I make a lot of mental contracts. I commit to people. I commit to ideas. I commit to culture. I commit to plans I make to jobs, to school, to lifestyle choices, and should the opportunity come along, I will commit to a partner.
I believe this to be one of my most prized virtues. It makes me dependable and creates a distinct outline of my character that people usually like.
Once I decide I want to be friends with someone, I am persistent. I don't think I am overbearing. I'm sensitive. I build something unique and make people interested in me. That's cool, right? I take pride in forging strong bonds and maintaining those....for a lifetime if possible. I don't even have to like you once I've signed on. You must do me a great injustice to curtail all this effort. I can really only think of two ways that comes about.
1. You harm someone else I love. If it is severe enough, I may cancel you.
2. You go out of your way to neglect our friendship. I will tolerate this for a long time before giving up, and it is always your fault. Notice I said no effort; I'm satisfied with the slightest interest. And if you should have a change of heart once I've broken ties, I will reinstate you in the time it takes to see your name on my caller ID or a message in my inbox.
With all the bonds I help to build, both of these happen all too frequently (right now, in fact), and it hurts. Commitment and dwelling go hand and hand.
This kind of bond takes a lot of work. I don't bother with most people, but I accumulate enough to keep me busy and help me feel connected. Strangers and acquaintances: you're out of luck....these benefits come only after signing. Perhaps I understand the tax every new relationship puts on previous contracts. New friends take more work. I don't need more people. Okay, that's ridiculous, I just need to know people want to know me before I put pen to paper, and I am entirely awkward otherwise.
Sometimes, honoring commitments requires me to sacrifice others. This should be a fairly rational decision.
Importance of Commitment
_________________________ = Decision
Threat to Commitment
If I must choose between friend A and friend B, and friend A is clearly more important to me AND I chance losing them, the decision is friend A. However, if I know I can maintain that relationship with A regardless, I choose B. At least, that is how the formula should work in a rational world.jj
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For the second time in my life, I decided to move away for grad school. This decision requires a delicate consideration of commitments I've made in my life. There are dozens of people I left behind when moving to Missouri; people ten times more important to me than any degree or career. So, because I know I will be unhappy with my career, I blindfolded myself and signed the contract anyway. Who knows why? In the first grad school venture, I was pretty miserable, and that was two hours away from home. Now it's seven. Sure, I chose a sociology program with a specialty in culture and identity (the field of study where I locate myself). Sure, I picked a school in a progressive city that better reflects my politics, has lots of coffee shops and vegetarian dining. Sure, I'm ready for a change of pace. Still, all the pros of this place cannot hold up to what I have at home....that precious community of people I love.
This virtue is also a vice. When I commit to things, it's come hell or high water. I suppose this is the American ethic shining through my personality. I stay the course. I would probably be much happier in a creative writing grad program, but I've defined myself by sociology. I would probably be happier staying home, being with my friends, and knowing that they will assuage my career apathy more than the other way around. I endure relative abuse from friends who aren't nearly as good to me as I deserve. Hell, I can't even edit my own writing because I commit to the words I've written and fear what will happen if I lose them.
So I am committing to something new....being willing not to commit, to dropping things that don't work. I will throw away pages of writing because I know it sucks. I will say "fuck you" to people who don't give my energy for them some return. I will give up on these degrees that have become a bit heartless and mechanical.
Don't get me wrong, I still love my discipline. It has changed my life. And I still need the perspective a Ph.D. degree can offer. But if this Missouri thing doesn't make me happy, if I am not satisfied enough by my work and the new life I make in Missouri, I won't be afraid to quit. I will move back home, be with the people I love, and I will find something else to make of my life.
I won't be afraid.
I won't be ashamed.
-Mike
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